~ Sallio's Realm ~

Backwoods Barbie

2009-12-22T16:23:44Z

I grew up poor and ragged, just a simple country girl. I wanted to be pretty more than anything in the world, like Barbie or the models in the Fredricks' catalog. From rags to wishes in my dreams I could have it all. I'm just a backwoods Barbie, too much makeup, too much hair. Don't be fooled by thinkin' that the goods are not all there. Don't let these false eyelashes lead you to believe that I'm as shallow as I look 'cause I run true and deep.

..Ordanary World..

2009-12-18T10:21:41Z

I have decided, that instead of a journal i am just going write a few words of joyness in here evry so often :) for myself and anyone else who wants to have a looky.. Sallys words of joyness and wisdom (or lack of) ^_^ : You are who you are, embrace it. Do what you can for others, it'll shine out of your face and make you happy. There's more to life than being physically perfect so you might aswell enjoy your life being a freakchild, people will love you for it. x x x x

SMILE SMOOSHIES

2009-10-29T22:52:06Z

HEY SMOOSHUMS!!!!
SALLEH LURVES YEW
I SEND MUCH CHUBBY CUDDLES AND CAKENESS

^_______^

p.s) fings with Salleh are coo
- Job at teh pub is great
- Werkin' wiv teh littlun's is awersurm
- Family are doin' well

YAY..
the only thing that is sucky is that i don't see my old frendies much!
Much catching up is needed me thinx!

Mwah <3

JURASSIC SALZ

2009-09-03T17:53:41Z

..god creates man
..man destroys god
..man creates dinosaur
..dinosaurs eat man

...women inherits the earth!

If only dinosaurs really would just come and eat all the men.
Wheres Trogdor when you need him?!

BURNINATING THE PENIS.LOL.

..Snow Globe, Kittens, The Pogues..

2009-06-18T19:59:03Z

I really dunno what to write..haha, life has been so hard but i dont want to talk about that..actual emotional wreckage..im gunna be that crazy old cow walkin' the streets with mad hair and a pram with a doll in. Haha XD..not a cool look..

I've applied for my access teaching course which is gun' be buff !!! Gun' be at Lewes in the 'ADULT' bit..how hillar.com! My little bro is coming up to coll too so i'm gun' have him tormentin' me full on :P haha! NOoOo!! I have my interview with this lady tommorrah so i hope all goes wellage.

I just love p.s) i love you..omg, im in love with Gerad Butler, what a cute smile! I love that film..actual bawled my eyes out the whole way throo..like, OMG why can't Jack be that romantic, goddamn it. Haha.

Listenin' to loadsa Floggin' Molly and Steve Earle and Pogues..fucking love it. My folk routes comin' throo, i'll be buildin' a barn soon..just so i can have a barn dance. Im gun' force Jack to make a campfire for me and drink cider with me and play guitar! Slaveboy :P :O :)

My kittens are fucking cute, they have actually been my little friends gettin' me through the hard times. They are that really cute age where they are romping around going crazy and biting stuff..adorable little shites. We are keeping the grey fluffy one called Marley..he does rock. We really are the crazy cat family now..

Me and Jack are going to Belgium to the music festival Werkter which has Lily Alen and Lady GaGa and Metallica and Regina Spektor and loads of amazing people..well exited. Although im gun' crap myself cos we are going by plane..hahaha!!

Ollie is going out and seeing friends again and it's just awesome to see him so much better, and being able to do teenage things like go to parties and playing sport and camping..it's just so great :) Mum is slowly getting better too which is just a prayer answered really.

I can start seeing friends more now it's summer and Mum isn't so dependant on me, so let me know if anyone wants to see me and have a catch up <3

ARGH MEN!

2009-05-30T15:45:57Z

Bunny, i may be in a relationship but trust me..sometimes the boy can SERIOUSLY fuck you off.

ARGH..
fucking spent hours pumping my ass off at the gym, then making myself all gorgeous, renting dvds, buying ingrediants for jacks fave dinner and he calls an hour before he's sposed to be coming.

''Im gunna be late''
''......WHY?''
''Jet cant give me a lift at the moment cos she's sleeping''
''Please tell me you've asked her if she can ACTUALLY give you a lift''
''YehYeh, it's just i havent spoken about if for a few days''
''Cant you just get on a train''
''Trains are lame''
''Your a lazy shit''
''Im still waiting for the water to heat for me to shower''
''...you havent even got up and showered?! OMG X(''

I MEAN FOR FUCKS SAKE GROW UP AND GET A JOB....ARGH!
Makes me fucking sick.

And he starts off by laughing at how angry i am, then gets all angry with me when im pissed off. I mean, i make a fucking huge effort and he's like ''well i buy you curries sometimes'' and im like ''OH MY GOD''.

RAWR..
I might just go to my local pub and get drunk, dont even know what time he's coming.
He was like ''i'll call you when Jet wakes up''...
I mean, i have to prepare a fucking dinner and he's like ''I'll let you know''
XD

No More Drama..

2009-04-10T20:16:43Z

Being a big emo again, sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Argh, i'm so lame.

Mum is still in hospital and i feel so selfish because all i can think about it escaping to Jacks house or Bunny's or ANYBODYS..
I asked her if i could go to Brighton tommorow and she got all upset, i feel like a complete nasty mean bitch. Arghh..it's just that i've been at home caring for Ollie while she's been having her operation and i'm stuck here in Plumpton, she said i could have to be here for a god few weeks, she can hardly walk.

Am i a cunt for not wanting the responisbilty? Yes, haha ovcourse i am. I just am finding the thaught of giving her baths and doing EVRYTHING all to familiar and nerve racking. I'm also scared that i'll end up screaming that it's too much and upsetting her loads, i don't want to do that. I'm just so weak really.

She's been depressed recently too, coming into my room in the morning because she keeps having the anxiety..

I'm SO sick of calling my Dad and having a relationship with his fucking answer machine. Sometimes i just need someone to back me up and be MY shoulder to cry on..but not even Jack really knows how to deal with me when i get upset. It's all just a load of wank.

Before my mum went to the hosp, i saw Dad..he kept going on about the fact i should move on and forget the whole thing that happened with Paula..even though she's still drinking. Jemma keeps wetting herself at Playgroup..i know it's because she's upset, i just feel so helpless. God please help me..i keep praying.

COME ON SALLY YOU MUST BE STRONG..

Don’t know
Only god knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It’s up to us to choose
Whether we win or lose
And I choose to.. WIN

No more pain, no more pain, no more pain, tired of crying
No more game, tired of your planning games with my mind
No drama, no more drama in my life
No more in my life
NO MORE

..Liberty Scarf, Peacock Feathers, Dried Roses, A Dog Named Rocky.

2009-02-26T21:20:56Z

Hello smexy chickens

I have a dog..a flippin huge gormless dog. Haha..his name is Rocky aka Bear. He's a pedegree but we got him for free from this family in Brighton, they were happy to know he was going to live in the countryside and we are going to give them a cake in return. We tend to do that with the animals that we recieve o_O haha. He's really great but i think Ollie had his heart set on a Huskie so he's being stubborn. Hopfully he'll learn to like Rocky.

The money situtation with me is DIRE..i am literally living off 30 pounds a week..sometimes even 10 depending on ema and such. This makes things really difficult, i went to Bunny's birthday dinner at Yo!Sushi! and literally had one green dish for £1.70 and a re-fillable miso soup for £1.75 lol..sad really. I had a really nice time anyway though :).

The thing with my parents is still very volatile and i feel like i'm treading on eggshells sometimes, but it's going to be like that until we take Dad to court. Hopfully after that evrything will legally be put into place.

Mum seems alot more normal, that manic look that was in her eyes before seems to have faded which is really reassuring, i hope that because it's spring and she's on her anti-epileptic drugs that it'll keep her calm and happy.

Jack's drinking is still a problem. However because he wrecked the majority of his Mum's birthday and made her really upset i think he realises now that the lack of motivation to do a course or get a job and the drinking and being disrespectful has got to stop. He's made a few changes like trying to not drink and doing some work for her and the neighbours..so i spose i'll just wait and see..

I've taken alot of time off college so i'm gunna try and go in more next week and catch up with some of the work that i've missed. I've also got to rehurse loads of songs because i have lots of auditions coming up. Wish me luck and i'll let you all know when my shows are :) <3

Hope all is well with you all x x x

..Cerial box helmet's FTW..

2009-02-17T00:36:01Z

..Ok, Ok, Sally's Valentine's suprise was amazing =]..hah, i cried. Alot.
I walked from the station to Jack's house in my excruciating heels with a huge bag of goodies that i had beautifully wrapped in stripey colourful paper AND curly ribbons (they make me happy) and got to the door. It looked like nobody was in so i knocked hard..and Ross came down 'Hey Sal, I've got a savage comedown blablah' and went home (next door) ..all the lights were off in the house and i got to Jack's door, opened it and the room was full of gorgeous candles. Jack was standing there (it was so cute, he'd done himself all up and posh lookin') with twelve red closed cup roses (all wild with the thorns and leaves on - exactly how i love my flowers) and on the table was a bottle of pink champers and choccies..AND my fave songs were playing in the background.

After a big cuddle and lot's of emotional Sally faces and Jack kissy faces he then said 'Oh yeah, i've also cooked dinner AND made MUFFINS babe'..i almost burst with glee..haha.

Was just generally an amazing night and i realised how lucky we are to have eachother =]. Just love him so much. It's rediculous..because most of the time he like..farts on me and pisses me off by tickling my feet (which he knows i hate and that if he does it i will pinch him) but it's just so nice.

After evrything that's been going on it just made me so happy to be alive and to be in love and to look back and realise we have grown and changed so much together..and it was so nice to smile again and mean it. I was lying in the bed eating chocolate and smoking rollies with him, it rocked.

I felt sad for Ross so i made him a little mini cheesecake..hehe. He's got his car now and is trekkin' me about evrywhere so it's awesome. Jack's mates all love me it's so cute haha..such nice blokes.

I've been doing my volantary facepainting and toddlers story telling and play area in Burgess Hill evry Saturday morning for the Zimbabwe charity for our Church and it's been so nice. The kids are so adorable..i just want to horde all the babies up in a trolly and ride off with them HAHA..i wouldn't but i can picture myself being a crazy baby lady. It's all good experiance for my teaching too. I'm gunna see if i can get involved with various nursaries and playgroups too next September.

Life is slowly getting better, i have days where i can't face college or life generally and i just sit im my traccy's and big ole' Metallica shirt and eat cornflakes out the box but who cares =P..life is too short to worry and stress all the time. Plus at the end of the day we all need to smile, we deserve to.

Robert Makes Me Happy

2009-02-11T23:12:25Z

Watching Led Zeppelin's 'Song Remains The Same' for the billionth time in my life..
It set's me free though, i love it so much..so cheesey wayching Robert Plant dress up as a medeviel prince with his sword walking through hillside and riding his horse..haha. Aaaaaa..lot's of people talkin' fewerr than nooone, soul of a womannn was created beloowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..

.. what a beast.

..place your hand in mine..

2009-02-06T20:24:17Z

On Wednesday, i went to sit in the Tin Drum to have a coffee, to go be by myself and wallow in self pity and i saw a familiar face on the sopha sitting with a man in a black coat and file, he smiled at me, it was Jordan..just looking alot older and more haggered. Life had obviously taken it's toll..after chatting to the man he came and joined me at my table. Told me about evrything that was going on with him, his little boy Ryan..the fact that he didn't love his girlfriend and all his best friends fucked him over, stole from him, he felt alone..all he has is his guitar. I told him what was happening with me, and there was this understanding. Both trapped in situations..

On my way home, i got chatting to my friend Poppy. She had previously sang one of her own songs in Live Performance Workshop and i told her it really touched me, i felt like it was a gateway to her soul, that i could understand her pain. She told me about what happened to her as a child, raped by her father's lodger and that she hadn't told anyone until she was 15. Her dad didn't even do anything about it..

I realised that with my past and because i've been through stuff i can actually relate and talk to people..and fully empathise and that is a quality that have been bestowed, i also feel like i really want to do somthing to help people..change the world a little bit. All of you guys going through hard times, i feel like my heart is fully with you guys. I REALLY care, and i just wish i could tear myself into little pieces and help evryone.

Today was great for the first part, went to college and because mum had been at marks for a few days me and Ollie could just chill out and hang together, i took the day off college to be with him and it was good, i really feel for him..must be horrible being left alone all the time. My heart breaks just looking at pictures of him last year when he was tanned and healthy and happy..arrgh, life is so fucking unfair sometimes. My mum keeps shouting at me to take dad and paula to court, and is just generally emotional and angry and horrible. Chain smoking and skulking about and making horrible phonecalls to people..it's just a nightmare. Paula keeps spreading rumours about me and Ollie and calling us in the middle of the night...i just want evryone to leave me and Ollie alone.

I'm going to look for somwhere to live, a place that me and Ollie (if he wants) can stay when things are really bad. We are so tired of all this..and we are just getting more and more damaged living in this situation. If my mum doesn't go to hospital and things get to a point where we can't cope, we'll have to move into a counsil place. Because there's no way the law would allow us to stay at Dad's because of Paula.

It's just getting too much..
I try to be strong and grown up but sometimes all i can do is curl up and cry and imagine a bubble around myself.
I'm going to Jack's tommorow..finally, haven't seen him in ages because of all of this..hopfully i can have a nice night and chill out..

..In Times Of Trouble..

2009-02-05T11:34:30Z

Grace that is such great news, i am SO relieved ^^ and so exited, please can i come to your scan? That would make me very happy.
Heres a song for you.. =]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqaFkC0EMmQ

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Things with me are up and down..such is life..
Im keeping my head high by listening to Billie and Nina and Aretha.

..c'mon sunshine, break through that grey!!!

Mr Frosty Is Such Fun, He Makes Drinks For Evryone..

2009-02-01T17:42:26Z

Hello People..
Today has been snowy and stuff ^_^ this makes me happy even though i'm longing for sunshine, i guess it's the second best type of weather-ness. Time for a day at Tanning Oasis though me thinks.

After my mum demanded that i take my step-mother to court and had many blazing rows with my dad calling the her 'a hussy, lush, bitch, slut' o_O they actually managed to come to an agreement with regards to me and Ollie seeing dad and jemmy. This is good..

HOWEVER..she has decided in one of her manic moments that she wants to move house, and have a baby with Mark. This has pretty much all been decided over night..her and Mark (who reluctantly is putting up with all this shit to avoid arguments) are viewing the house now. She also got a babies cot and curtains from the jumble sale yesterday..lol. She's freaking us all out a bit but we are playing along with it because otherwise she'll just get seriously pissed off. It's just easier..

I got some pretty cool stuff from the Jumble sale actually..some aweome vintage clothes and a cute black cat cuddly toy..i couldn't resist him. I hate it when teddies are left behind =[ it mayyks mesa saydd!

Drinking lots of herbal tea at the moment, and pissing like a million times a day..i'm kinda addicted to tea now. I can imagine worse things to be addicted too though :P

I got a Mr.Frosty origional for Jack for Valentines :P we are gunna love making slushies and lollies and awesome Percy Penguin ice shapes with it ^_^ yayay!

LaLaLaLoveY'all <3
..haha, life is so fucking wierd. Don't you agree guys??

Gorgeous Grapes Groping Guavas Goolies

2009-01-26T12:29:22Z

.Ahem.

Well..my muffins of impeccable beauty.
Things are calmer than they were before and i am slightly less freaked out and emotional than i was before. This is a good thing.

I am still a little bit worried but i have made the decision that if the time comes that mum needs to go to phyciatric hospital then i suppose it'll be better in the long run.

My grandma has gone away for some reason, so she's not around to help but luckily Mark has been helping out alot, which takes the pressure off me to be the second adult all the time. It's great..although i do feel sorry for him because of all the conflict they have and all the wierd stuff he has to put up with but i suppose i'd do the same if Jack was ill.

Me and Ollie are well underway with out college applications and i've got Angelique from my college to do me a reference. Ollie still needs to get his but i think Mum and Dad will be able to sort that out when they go to the meeting with the headteacher about his M.E. He's such a brainbox..he's applying for computing, geology, business studies, Environmental science A levels ..(etc)..lol, and there's me doing maths and science GCSE's -__- i need it to do my teaching degree though so i suppose it'll be good. Besides..a year of part time easy work at a local college will be amazing because all the travelling into Brighton is doing my head in.

I REALLY WANT A LITTLE CAR. Gahh, that'd be amazing. Ross passed his test and has put down the deposit for his car..lucky bastard!
I ALSO REALLY WANT MY TATTOOS..i have 3 planned allready but none of the funds to do them =/ haha. I'll get them eventually..

Jackem is taking me out for lunch down the lanes on Thursday to cheer me up ^_^ he's been so sweet and lovley and given me loads of cuddles and kisses and stuff..he's such an angel bless his cottons. I'm so lucky to have a boy who loves me...aaaah, it's valentines day soon and i'm thinking of making some DIY castle crashers shoes like this..

Pretty cool huh?

Iv'e taken another day off collge..just to unwind a little bit and calm myself down before i go back to the grindstone, we also were supposed to be getting our results today and i know i failed my theory SO hard lol..probably a good idea that i wait to find out..i'll probably CRY =P..

x x x x i send love to evryone <3
On Thursdays i usually have a gap in between my lessons.. 12-3 so anyone want to meet up for lunch or shoppin or a coffee just let me know. Not this Thurs tho cos im with Jack..but any other thursday =]

daisychainspunk @ 2009-01-20T19:56:00

2009-01-20T20:19:34Z

Mum is shouting at me from downstairs.
What a fucking nightmare.

She collapsed in Boots today, went in an ambulance to the hospital, we were there 2 hours and after having a fit she told the doctors she was FINE because she didn't want them to section her under the mental health act and put her in a phyciatric ward. I went with her because i was so worried, she thinks i don't really give a shit about anyone but myself, haha..she might as well just have got a huge brick and thrown it at my head.

Its hard because she's so angry with me all the time. She knows that i find some of the things she says and does really fucking difficult to deal with, she said she thinks i'm the one who is ill..=/ shouting and demanding that i get councelling because she can't deal with me O_o hmm..i just don't know what to do. Do i just think fuck it, i'm gunna get her put in hospital? Well..me and Ollie can't live at Dad's because paula is an alcoholic maniac, we can't have grandma here because she refuses to come, Mark and her aren't getting along very well so he's not gunna come look after us, so basically..i know what will happen..

I'm gunna have to quit Bimm, I'm gunna have to be the take-over-mum AGAIN..because Ollie has his ME..
She's got all these crazy ideas to go on holiday and get a dog and it's just like im in a savage dream and i can't wake up..

HOWEVER..was nice going to college today, tried to pretend evrything is ok as usual, had a laugh with Pops and Lori and Nat. I felt like a normal teenager and for that brief moment was just allowed to be Sally..without like..all the shit. If only they all realised how things were..i dont really want to tell people whats going on. Gahh..

I CANT TALK TO ANY OF MY FAMILY..because she has sworn me to secrecy. She's gone around telling half of Plumpton whats going on but i cant even ask Mark to come over and help. She KNOWS she is getting ill but she wants to do it alone..

BUT she's not alone, she's got two kids. One of which is really ill and the other is going to get depression if this carries on much longer.

I want Jack.
I'm also TERRIFIED that mum will get ill and my life will be like it was back then, and i'll be that person i was before =/ i don't want that. I can't let that happen again to me and KEEP happening to me every two years..

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You can try and try and try and pray and pray and pray and theres does come a point when your just like

FUCK THIS SHIT I'M OUTTA HERE....
i tell you what, i'm getting close.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Just ignore all that bit..im okay..im okay..im okay.
I love her so much, thats why this hurts.
Do i call the hospital? Do i contact anyone? Or shall i just battle this one out??

I Will Bludgen You With My Thunder Theighs

2009-01-19T13:48:05Z

I have decided to create an invisible (yet powerful) forcefield of fabulousness and glitter and kittens around me to protect me from life's shit cannon.

I am going to try very hard to not let things effect me badly. I will not be a wierdo..
I WILL become a primary school teacher and have a lovley life and a lovley family.

..I just need to go re-take my GCSE maths & science next september at Lewes whilst doing a part-time job at a nursery, then do my 4 year primary degree (ages 3-7)..my goals just seem SO far away :'( !!

It'll all be worth it i keep telling myself this..

********************************************************************************************

After trying to contact my Dad for a few days i finally managed to reach him, moments after my Mum stormed out of the house to chain smoke and rant with our neighbour Steph because her and Dad had chatted on the phone.

It's really freakish, because both my Grandma & my Dad ..(and Mum to come to think of it) don't really seem to care about how me and Ollie are feeling. It's always 'i can't deal with all this stress' and 'Paula's going through a tough time' and 'I don't need this' and 'i'm trying to hold evrything together' when actually...evryone forgets about the kids, we just sit back quietly and watch the grenades being thrown. It's Bollocks basically and we really can't be arsed anymore..

I'm just going to let 'em get on with it. My mums slowly getting more and more manic by the day and i feel like it's my fault due to the fact that i told her what happened with Paula. They told me not to tell her..i feel like fool. BUT..at the same time it was Paula who shouldn't have fucking sworn and pushed us about. We did NOTHING to deserve that..i realise she has some SERIOUS issues with drink but she needs to adress that and apologise sincerly before i even THINK about going near her.

It's a shame because i really thaught my Dad and Grandma would have understood and really cared but they seem to be totally in denial about what happened. It's probably the guilt. Me and Ollie are just so fed up with having to deal with our parent's bad decisions and mistakes.

Meh, we have decided to pick ourselves up and be the best and happiest people we can be regardless of all of the years of neglect. We love them but we also want to just live our own lives and the sooner we move out and get our freedom from all of this the better. If Ollie didn't have M.E and didn't need me so much i'd allready be somewhere else.

Things can only get better from here-on.

*****************************************************************************************************

I've stayed at home today and missed college AGAIN..this isn't good but i feel bad leaving Ollie here by himself. He's not well enough to make his own meals and look after himself, especially when mums moodswings are on the increase. He needs me here, so does Mum i think.

There obviously is the problem of me failing my course (which i love and miss all my friends) but i'm going to try very hard to sort out a balance between family stuff and college stuff..i just hope it's do-able..

It's so annoying because i really want to go for the meal with Bunny & Holly and people tonight but i need to be here with Ollie and i don't really have the money =[ ..

I can have some freedom away from the family on Friday night though? Can i come see you guys?? Thanks to evryone who's been so kindly to me and giving me words of love, Jes, Bean, Bunny, Grace and Kate <3 It all means SO much to me because i can't see many people very often so messages via the net is great

x x x i send much love especially to Grace and Jes at the moment who are going through hard times

I demand my own cookery show! =P..

2009-01-17T12:42:16Z

Mum had a few fits today but managed to help her and get her right medication, which is good. I did panic a little bit but me and Ollie managed to calm her down and stop the spasms. I think evrything has just been to much for her, all the stress. She keeps going on about how we need a holiday but to be honest a holiday wouldn't change the situation and i'd still have all the responsibility of looking after her and Olz..maybe when things are a bit more normal. I do kinda need a holiday though..it's been like 6 years scince i went away..Hmm.

Jack has been lovlehh, he's taking me to see a film tonight, i really wanted to see 'My Bloody Valentine' in 3d but bless him, he shits himself when he watches anything remotly scary so we are going to see a film called 'Defiance' or somthing..i personally think we should have gone to see 'Bride Wars' =[ lol..anyone want to see that with me soon?

Things are kind of getting better, i've only cried 3 times today haha, so yeah things are on the up. I'm waiting for my turn in the bathroom to have my bath =]. Then im gunna get myself SUPER CUTE. Cuter than i've ever been before.

I have also discovered that my coping mechnisms are 1.) Baking and cooking, 2.) Watching Jeremy Kyle, Trish, Sally Jessy, Judge Judy (all the crap chat shows) and 3.) Making myself look fabulous..
You guys should try these. Seriously good.

In 2 days i have made, banana and honey cake, cherry shortbread, rissotto, curry, homemade pasta and basil pesto..i literally haven't stopped, and evrythings been made from scratch..i've even started doing my own reciepe book with the leather notebook my Dad gave me.

Just trying to chill out and keep my mum calm too really..

Gahh, life is such a fecckin challenge. I keep prayin' for some peace and also for all of you guys that have problems too..
It'll be ok, it'll be okk

Boob

2009-01-15T18:10:22Z

After stupidly telling my mother about what happened, she is now smoking rollie's like the world is gunna end tommorow, contstantly stressing and making out that SHE is the one who's going through a tough time..it's just like..i'm surrounded by mad, emotional, irrational people..like some kind of crazy circus. She just got off the phone to my ill grandma shouting at her and accusing her of things..i mean, ffs she is an elderly lady. Gahh..it's just one thing after another y'no.

Took the day off college again, even after telling myself yesterday i would definatly go in and make my life a little normal again but..it didn't happen. Will & Grace followed by Jeremy Kylek, Trish and Judge Judy, i decided to get myself up and took Poppy the dog out with evryone - she's the dog my nan is looking after at the mo. I pretty much haven't spoken to anyone but my cats and the dog really..i've spoken to Ollie, but he's different, he's kinda like the goblin who lives in the closet room :P.

I spose it's a great comfort thinking millions of other people RIGHT at this moment are feelin' the dark times of fucking January, and i spose i am not alone. Many people have wierd families and some don't have any atall..im not sure which situation i'd rather be in at the moment HAHAR..but y'no.

It's so wierd because evryone always says '' life has been amazing for me for agges, SOMTHING horrible is bound to happen reaallly soon''..people are a really pesemistic species, but rightly so i'd say. Haha..god i'm such a sorry case -__-.

I actually found myself laughing at how awful the situation is..i wrapped my head in my scarf like an arabain princess and started drawing ET..it was kinda cheering me up until i caught my reflection the window, ''what a freak' i thaught. AaACck, i think if i didn't have a sence of humour..i would totally be 6 foot under, LOL. You just have to laugh. Goddamn it. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I have made a honey and banana cake which should be pretty tasty when it comes out the oven, and im also doing a special broad bean and chesnut mushroom rissotto which should be good. Cooking makes me happy. I'd well like to have my own cooking show..

I can imagine it now.

Oh yeah and Bunny, Im well sorry i didn't come help you with your art today :( x x x x

..Painting Faces, Building Places..I Can't Reach.

2009-01-14T15:40:37Z

Being strong and pretending things are okay is all ever seem to do. I have so many people to look after and worry about..when does the time come that Sally needs to live her own life and start being young again?

I just don't know what the future is going to bring, i'm so scared and feel so alone..i wish i had someone caring and looking after me. I keep crying because i know i will never have that. I can't give up though. Raa, such wank.

Rhino skin Sally, remember the rhino skin. I just want to live a normal life and have a family and be happy..i can't cope with all the drama all the time. I just have had enough of my family's dishonesty and issues and general wierd-ness.

I have cared for my mum when she's been ill with her bipolar scince i was 10 and i love her so much, but it's so unbelievably hard when she's on a manic episode because she is so cutting and argumentative and nasty to me, it's hard dividing her into nice and normal mum, angry and hyper mum, and suicidal disabled mum. I think she might be getting manic again..because of the shrieking with laughter, agressivness (luckily not so much towards me this time) and wierd hyper-active behaviour. I'm not really sure how things will pan out..and also what will happen if she is definatly getting ill again, it's like..all the self esteem and work i've done to try and re-build my life will just be for nothing..just to be put in that dark awful place again..it's terrifying. And i hate the fact that she has to deal with it, it must be AWFUL having to re-build all her relationships with her family and friends evry single time and also feeling the guilt of what she's done to me and Ollie.

This time, not only will mum be dependant on me but Ollie contracted Glandular fever in June which developed into post viral fatigue and is now M.E which meant he had to quit school (who are being REALLY shit about organising home-tuition) and he's gained alot of weight which he previously lost in year 10 and now instead of having the exitment of getting all A-star grades and doing like..15 gcses, he's now gunna be lucky to get to college because of how exhausted he is all the time, and obviously because the school have been so fucking non-understanding and bollocks even though we've had numerous tests at hospitals with Ollie and refferals and meetings. It's just SO fucking unfair how Ollie has this..he used to be so active and popular with friends and vibrant. It's just bollocks, he doesn't deserve it. I love my brother, and i thank God that he's such an easy going and happy bloke otherwise he would be depressed, he really does take evrything on the chin bless him.

I am SO sick to death of alcoholics. Dad, Jack, Jetta, Paula, Simon, Mark, Katie.. the list goes on.
Just a fucking nightmare. It's always the same old fucking story and it's just so emotionally draining. I'm DONE caring about thier wellfare and i'm DONE with the worrying and dealing with the re-percussions of thier drinking and after effect. I'ts put me off drinking completley.. I've just seen enough of people getting hurt. Me being one of them.

Sometimes i just want to scream and run away and not deal with my family ever again, but i would NEVER do that to Jem and Ollie..but if i was an only child, i'd have left home at 13. I do LOVE my family..thats the annoying thing, i wish i didn't then i could just say.. ''RIGHHHT,IM GOING AND NEVER COMING BACK AND NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU EVER AGAIN'' then dissappear and be a career girl and run away and be rich and have a fabulous car and a successful husband and go on holiday 4 times a year. And live a fabulous life and socialise with other fabulous people and get away from wierd dirty people..like me.

But i wouldn't really want that eather..
Then again, i've never set my aims high with my life..yeah i've had dreams, evryone does. But i never thaught i'd actually achieve any of them..ever. I want to be a primary school teacher and to have a little family and just be chilled and be happy..but..if i could actually do anything..

I would love to sing my songs to the world and let people know that they are wierd for feeling like the way i feel, and that people who put them down are fucking wankstains and show the world that I AM SOMEBODY..not just one of those dumb chicks who's destined for failure because of her completley and utterly fucked childhood.

I don't know. I don't know what the future holds for me and my family.

Sometimes i just wish i was stronger, and gorgeous and able to socialise all the time and be tagged in all the pictures of people having an amazing time together and just fucking have a life other than the life hidden away in my room singing to nobody but my cats and painting pictures nobody will ever understand..

All of these emotions have been building up inside of me and last night was the last straw. Me and Ollie and my Grandma went over to see Dad because it was his birthday. Paula is the most bitchy, wierd and emotional person i'ver ever met and she's even worse than my Mum sometimes..it doesnt help that she's going through the menopause and drinks too much aswell, anyway..she got wrecked (as usual) and started acting all odd with evryone, when dad went upstairs she suddenly turned on me and Ollie..swearing and saying really awful things about how Dad's going bankrupt because of us (which is ABSOLUTE bollocks because we get fuckall and she actually just forked out 600 quid for a fucking bed and has the best of EVRYTHING..i mean c'mon they live in a 5 bedroom house, have 2 brand new cars and had a wedding in a fucking castle and we live in a tiny counsil place and havent had a holiday in 5 years) she was swearing and calling us 'fucking bastards' and saying she had to 'deal' with us..fucking wank because she never see's us and we hardly ever see Dad anyway. After about 10 minutes of us standing there taking abuse..she started talking shit about our mum..i took Ollies arm and said 'Right, we don't feel comfortable talking to you anymore' and went for the door, she grabbed ollies arm and pushed me telling me to 'get the fuck out' and Ollie managed to pull her off me and we went upstairs..meanwhile she was still shouting at us. I ran upstairs and woke up Dad, he ran downstairs and they argued for hours and me and Ollie hid in the attic until 11 this morning..in the morning she acted all sorry for herself and was being a bitch again..i told Dad and Grandma i wansn't ready to talk to her. Ollie felt really uncomfortable too.

Im just sick of it all.
I haven't gone to college today..i really wish i'd gone and sung it all out, but my dad didnt give me any of my allowance. I cant afford to get to college..and i've promised Bunny i'd help her with her art tommorow..
FUCCK.

Cider, Cliteral Stimulators, Crazy Cunts Crying..

2008-09-10T21:09:12Z

Bambino and Lozzenge have gone =[ !!
Alas the times of cheap cider, 2 bottles of wine for a fiver, noodles and cheese and grapes in the upper lip are no more.

We will miss those lovley dykes <3

However they are going to have an IMENSE time in the gorgeous Newquay and Bam's gunna love her course so it would have been selfish to keep her as a prisoner in Brighton forever =P however much we wanted to.

x x x

Red Face, Puffy Eyes, Cunt.

2008-09-08T20:29:28Z

My eyes are puffy.
I have been crying now for an hour and a half.
Listening to Kimya Dawson is cheering me up but i still have my mum's handprint on my face.
I am too emotionally drained to even try and explain this..

I look hideous. I should probably be worrying about the relationship issues but i don't at the moment.
I'd rather sit here and look at the massive hairy spider next to me. Better company.

I feel like a bitch because she has manic depression.
I should probably put on some sort of death metal and scream and do the proper 'let-it-all-out' thing.
Not gunna happen.
I know exactly what i'll do.
I'll sit here, wallow, cry, not speak, write bitter and depressing songs and be a lame fucking twat.
Like i always do.

I think there are little bits of my brain being un-ravelled like a ball of string, doors being opened into the most painful area's of my conciousness and stuff.

Atleast the nightmares have stopped. I still get the headaches though.

I can't believe Robyn is leaving tommrow. Goddamn.

I'm gunna go cry now.

..She Takes To The Sky Like A Bird In Flight..

2008-09-05T21:41:51Z

Hello all
Salsk here.

Well to update on my happenings and endevours here you are my beauties..

I have mainly been sitting indoors being an artistic recluse and been writing and singing and painting and wallowing the whole of the summer. I have been totally sucked in by Patti Smith and Led Zeppelin and Fleetwood Mac and Kimya Dawson and Iggy and the Stooges and i've almost been living in a crazy music video-esque fake reality for the last couple of days..bobbing around the house and the garden and the countryside with my own soundtrack running all the time..it's rather odd. Music is definatly my calling.

My head is still pretty mixed up most of the time, but who's isn't nowwadays? I swear i don't feel any less confused and angry and emotional and horny as i did when i was 15. What a skank. Haha..

My birthday was imense. So sad not many of you could come but it was great nevertheless, it was also Hannah's birthday the night of my pubbing and clubbing and it was also her and Joe's 2 year wedding anniversary so luckily Bunny managed to conjoin our two groups together and evryone got very drunk and mad. I was ecstatic to hear Lauren was back in time to come too :) which was just wicked aswell as Sash making it all the way down too :) was fab.

Me and Jack are doing great, he is going to Plumpton college..bit of a crazy life change but i think it'll really inspire him, he'll still play his guitar ovcourse though. We are hitting like 4 or 5 years that we've been togther now. Scary huh? Not really for me because he is my best friend and the love of my life rolled into one lovley package, he might still wear the same 'World industry' and 'Sytem Of A Down' shirts that he's been wearing scince he was 12 and have a beer belly and long scruffy hair and fart on me but to me he is beautiful, i don't think anyone else is more perfect for me.

I made a tin foil top hat for my cat, he hated it.
I really like Tangerines at the moment.
I love Juno and P.S i love you.

I'ts cold tonight. To beat the blues i've hit the wine and rocked out to Black Sabbath..all by myself. This is how lame i am.

This is partly because i've just found out my best friend makes herself sick after evry drink and meal..
I just don't understand people who can't eat and stuff. I guess i'm just not the best person to talk to about that sorta thing..
What kinda advice do you give someone like that? She's in denial aswell which doesn't make it easy. I love her so much but she needs medical help. It's kinda put a strain on our friendship. I don't want to stop seeing her and stuff but it's all we end up talking about. Balls.

.. heres a few lines from a song i wrote recently called 'The Bucket'

'A passion junkies dog aint got a collar on, he's never gunna break so go ahead and shake him, I washed away our yesterday, i saw you cleaning a bucket full of doubts, strange love your a strange one, a little bit of power grabbing, a passion junkies fix is never sattisfied, your never gunna break her heart so go ahead and shake her, have some fun, abuse it'

and another from my newest song 'Locust love'

'im in love because i know you, and im sorry i dont show you, and if i find that you aren't by me, i'm afraid no-one see's the things you see, you wait, wanting the world to let you in, and you stand there, a frozen light in a dark and empty street, a smile hiding behind a god-given face, but i know your so much more''

Goodnight x x x x

malibu sexieness

2008-08-30T23:10:21Z

Hello Livejournal..my old friend.
I usually like red but this almost seems kinda agressive y'no.

There we go. Black is good.

I Drawed lots of pictures recently.
I Singed lots of songys too.

What have you all been doin?

I am at Jacks, sittin in Jack's butt groove in the squishy black chair.
Drinking Malibu and pepsi =]
Sam and Jack are playing Guitar Hero and i wish i could but i suck at it hard =/

Meow

..Magick.

2008-06-25T22:28:58Z

It was so gorgeous today.

I woke up early, made myself a huge mug of earl grey and after watching Jeremy Kyle and Eating some Sugar Puffs i got me clothes on, did my face and went to Brighton. I met Bunny, Emerald and Lois in the Pavillion which was really odd but really nice, i hadn't really spent much time with them before but i thaught they were awesome. Was nice to catch up with Bunny too. Although i couldn't stay long it was cool. I had no idea that Bannana protectors existed..HAHA. It was a shame that i didnt get to see Bambino and Jes but hopfully i will see you beauties next week =D.

Jes, stay strong, don't give up on yourself. We love you.

I baught myself my first pair of trousers EVER yesterday..lol, well..i had many pairs of bell bottom multicoloured chords back in the day but that doesn't count. Haha..i got a pair of black skinny jeans..I know right?! Word O_o ..they look really good on the 'ole ass though and are supprisingly flattering on me. I hope i manage to pull them off without looking too emo :P. I baught them in town when me and Jack were looking for some trousers for him to wear at my dad's wedding on Saturday.

Im quite looking foward to being a bridesmaid, will be nice to be pampered and wear a pretty dress and the best bit is getting FUCKING WANKERED at the reception :P hahaha. Jacks going to look so gorgeous in a suit :)

I am seriously hot in my room, arghh. I shall open a window.

Marmite my kittay has been sleeping in my room at night for the past few months, he's always been really affectionate towards me but he's also started bringing me dead animals as presents. He put a dead shrew on the pillow next to me and meowed at me for an approval and praise..haha, the next day he braught a dead bird and then vomited half of it on my rug..=/. I love the cat but seriously..haha.

We are having yet ANOTHER addition to the feline collection. We are getting another kitten..a tortoise shell one next week. We haven't decided on a name yet, i like eather Moo, Mow Mow or Mookie.

Goodnight Y'all. Much Loveee <3

Gucci sounds like Goochie - lol gooch =/

2008-05-27T12:36:52Z

Haha, i only wanted Chelsea to win because all the guys in my class are obsessed with Liverppol and Man-U. They all take it SO seriously and it's so funny winding them up. I never really was a football hooligan untill i started Bimm and now it's big up Chelsea and Piss On Liverpool simply because they all hate us girls for pretending to be huge fans. HAHA. My teacher Damien actually gets all emotional about it. Pathetic if you ask me..haha.

Hello gorgeous ones, it seems that lot's has been happening over the past few weeks with you all. It's wierd you know, i swear people are going all strange because of the odd weather we have been having. Its making all the men sweaty and then cold the next day and women all annoyed because they instantly went to Primark and H&M to get new sundresses as soon as the sun peeped through the clouds and we keep hearing horrid information about storms, lol..i hope i haven't just jinxed it.

I have been fine ^_^ just pottering about making music and working with lots of lovley and talented people. Got some of my first demos back and i should be recording some new stuff with my friend Sam in a few weeks time, kinda emotive acoutstic kinda experimental stuff which is hopfully gunna sound a little different to my usual Sally rock and roll gal thang.

Its my 18th soon and i have no idea what to do, im not having a party at my house again. Hah, that was mental and i don't want another poo in a toilet roll and on my towl inncident to happen if i'm brutally honest. Bam gave me the idea of renting out the Hobgoblin function room just above the pub. Haha its nice and filthy and grungey in there which makes me feel at home.

Righto better be owf xxx <3333

Oh yeah and me and my mum are going on holiday !!! Oh Yesss...coctails on the beach and a tan!!